If you find that conflicts in your relationship escalate into larger problems, then fair fighting rules are for you!
You will benefit greatly from establishing guidelines for how to handle disagreements when emotions run high. It can be easy to say things in the heat of the moment that you later regret. You or your partner may say hurtful things without even realizing it, and later when it's calm, may feel guilty or ashamed for what was said. Other times, you or your partner may intentionally say hurtful things to try to gain an advantage in the argument. Regardless of the intent, the effects of hurtful language can be damaging to the relationship, causing emotional pain, mistrust, and resentment.
When arguments escalate they tend to become more personal, emotions intensify, communication breaks down, and the conflict becomes more difficult to resolve.
Fair fighting rules act as an insurance policy to get you and your partner to avoid falling into the escalating arguments trap and without clear rules for communication, the same pattern will repeat leaving the two of you feeling drained and defeated.
Use this checklist to establish the fair fighting rules that fit your relationship. Continue Reading...
CHECKLIST:
If you answer yes to any of the questions, choose a rule or two from the list in the right column to discuss with your partner!
When arguing do unresolved past problems, previous events, and past examples of "how this always happens" get brought up?
Then try one of these:
Do you or your partner take things personally?
Do you wall up and defend yourself?
Do you feel like your partner consistently has problems with you, not the relationship but you?
If you answered yes to any of these, these examples may be for you:
Are either of you making impossible demands?
Do you or your partner make demands that you simply can’t fulfill?
Do you get caught up in the facts of what happened when you were fighting?
Do you waste precious energy trying to convince your partner what you saw happened?
Do you or your partner feel criticized or judged during disagreements?
Do you or your partner shut down and resort to name calling?
Do you or your partner dismiss the other person's thoughts or feelings?
Do you or your partner get so heated you can't calm down?
Three Steps to Setting the Stage
Choose a Neutral Time
It's important to choose a mutually agreed upon time and place when you can focus and are free from distractions.
Set Your Intentions
Approach the conversation with a positive intention to improve the relationship. Acknowledge that each rule you set is meant to improve communication and prevent hurtful comments.
Collaborate to Create the Rules
Work together to create the rules that work for both of you. Make the commitment that you will allow the other to hold you accountable and bring you back to the rules when things get heated in future arguments.
Remember, the goal of establishing fair fighting rules is to improve communication and prevent hurtful comments. By working together to create rules that are respectful and constructive, you build a stronger, healthier relationship and you will know you can work through conflicts in a positive way. Leaving you feeling satisfied and content in your relationship!