If you find that conflicts in your relationship escalate into larger problems, then fair fighting rules are for you! You will benefit greatly from establishing guidelines for how to handle disagreements when emotions run high. It can be easy to say things in the heat of the moment that you later regret. You or your partner may say hurtful things without even realizing it, and later when it’s calm, may feel guilty or ashamed for what was said. Other times, you or your partner may intentionally say hurtful things to try to gain an advantage in the argument. Regardless of the intent, the effects of hurtful language can be damaging to the relationship, causing emotional pain, mistrust, and resentment. When arguments escalate they tend to become more personal, emotions intensify, communication breaks down, and the conflict becomes more difficult to resolve. Fair fighting rules act as an insurance policy to get you and your partner to avoid falling into the escalating arguments trap and without clear rules for communication, the same pattern will repeat leaving the two of you feeling drained and defeated. Use this checklist to establish the fair fighting rules that fit your relationship. Continue Reading…CHECKLIST: If you answer yes to any of the questions, choose a rule or two from the list in the right column to discuss with your partner!When arguing do unresolved past problems, previous events, and past examples of “how this always happens” get brought up? Then try one of these:Agree to keep it simple stay on the current problem.Agree to avoid dredging up past issues in the moment. If past memories come up make it a point to set aside time to discuss any unresolved hurt from the past when you are both calm. Stay away from “you always” “you never” “oh here we again” “It’s just like you to bring this up.” “You are constantly taking issue with me.”Do you or your partner take things personally? Do you wall up and defend yourself? Do you feel like your partner consistently has problems with you, not the relationship but you? If you answered yes to any of these, these examples may be for you:Agree to verbalize when you start to take things personalNo blaming language, “you do this” You are this,” etc.Agree that when one person says they feel attacked, the other person takes a step back, a deep breath, and rephrase to come from a loving place.Agree to speak from “I,” say “I felt _____,” “I need,” “When this happened I felt ______”Are either of you making impossible demands? Do you or your partner make demands that you simply can’t fulfill? Agree to generate more realistic expectations and requests in your relationship.Change demands to requestsLet go of attachment to the request to avoid disappointmentIf you get disappointed tell your partner in a non-blaming way. Ask your partner if a request is realistic. Agree to use your partner as a sounding board. Do you get caught up in the facts of what happened when you were fighting? Do you waste precious energy trying to convince your partner what you saw happened? Agree to stay curious about your partner’s experienceAgree to look for the emotions and discuss how you felt during the eventAgree to avoid the urge to find a solution right awayAgree to look for the other person’s unmet need or desireDo you or your partner feel criticized or judged during disagreements? Agree to say how you feel without pointing the fingerAgree to make a positive request to your partner that would solve or improve the current problemAgree to ask for what you want in a positive wayDo you or your partner shut down and resort to name calling? Do you or your partner dismiss the other person’s thoughts or feelings?Agree to stay open to understandAgree to listen and avoid thinking about what you are going to say nextAgree to make every effort to get back to center and come from a loving placeAgree to take a break if you are unable to self sootheAgree to use this mantra: “My partner wants the best for me, they are not trying to hurt to me.”Do you or your partner get so heated you can’t calm down?Agree to take a timed breakAgree that when a break is taken you will come back to discuss Agree to avoid using a break to hurt the other personAgree to reassure your partner you love them and you will return to discuss.Three Steps to Setting the Stage 1Choose a Neutral Time It’s important to choose a mutually agreed upon time and place when you can focus and are free from distractions. 2Set Your IntentionsApproach the conversation with a positive intention to improve the relationship. Acknowledge that each rule you set is meant to improve communication and prevent hurtful comments. 3Collaborate to Create the Rules Work together to create the rules that work for both of you. Make the commitment that you will allow the other to hold you accountable and bring you back to the rules when things get heated in future arguments. Remember, the goal of establishing fair fighting rules is to improve communication and prevent hurtful comments. By working together to create rules that are respectful and constructive, you build a stronger, healthier relationship and you will know you can work through conflicts in a positive way. Leaving you feeling satisfied and content in your relationship!
How To Create Emotionally Safe Dialogue
Do you want to feel secure, supported, and accepted in your relationship? Do you want to feel comfortable expressing your thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment, rejection, or retaliation?Create emotional safety in your relationship. This is achieved by both partners striving to create a safe and supportive environment. When you decide to be intentional in your relationship you work to take ownership of your own emotions and work on your personal growth to improve your relationship. This tool will allow you to be vulnerable and learn how to be open with each other, you will learn to trust that your emotional needs will be acknowledged and respected. Emotional safety once cultivated, creates a sense of trust and intimacy, which is essential for building a deep and meaningful connection. Here is a powerful tool to improve connection and to create emotional safety and the steps to take: Schedule a time: Find a time when both you and your partner are available, and make sure you won’t be interrupted. Set the stage: Find a quiet and comfortable place where you can sit facing each other. Begin by taking a few deep breaths and relaxing your body. Mirroring: One partner speaks while the other listens without interruption or judgment. The listener then summarizes what the speaker has said, using the same words if possible. For example, “So what I hear you saying is…” This helps the speaker feel heard and understood. Validation: The listener then validates the speaker’s feelings by saying something like, “I can understand why you feel that way.” Empathy: The listener then tries to put themselves in the speaker’s shoes and imagine how they would feel in that situation. They can say something like, “If I were in your position, I would feel…” Switch roles: Once the speaker feels heard and validated, the roles are switched and the other partner gets a chance to speak and be heard. Dialogue: Once both partners have had a chance to speak and be heard, they can engage in a dialogue about how to move forward and find a resolution. By following these steps, you can create a safe space for communication. This is the tool to help you work through your differences in a respectful and empathetic way. This approach will help you build trust, which is essential for a healthy and fulfilling partnership. It’s important to remember this is a process, and it may take some time to get used to. It’s also important to approach the conversation with an open mind, a willingness to listen, and a commitment to finding a resolution. With practice, you will deepen emotional intimacy in your relationship.